Cultivating Relationships

Once upon a time, there was a group of 50 people attending a seminar. Suddenly the speaker stopped and decided to do a group activity. He gave each attendee one balloon. Each person was asked to write his/her name on it using a marker pen. Then all the balloons were collected and put into another room.

They were then let into that room and asked to find their balloon within 5 minutes. Everyone was frantically searching for their name, colliding with each other, and pushing others around in utter chaos; and at the end of the 5 minutes, no one had found their own balloon. Then, each individual was asked to randomly collect a balloon and give it to the person whose name was written on it. Within minutes everyone had their own balloon.

The speaker then began, “This is happening in our lives. Everyone is frantically looking for happiness all around, not knowing where it is. Our happiness, he said, lies in the happiness of other people. Give them their happiness; you will get your own happiness. And this is the purpose of human life…the pursuit of happiness.”

In this story, we see that any one individual could not complete the task alone; they indeed needed the assistance of another. In our stubbornness, we can be quite adamant in our determination to accomplish life’s challenges on an individual basis. After all, if we go it alone and succeed, we gain all the accolades. However, life requires balance and social interaction is critical for mental and physical wellness. We each are born into a society that provides structure to our lives as it helps us to navigate the world and shape our personal identities. In that societal environment, we can find strength from collaboration in the face of adversity. And in that respect, perhaps pleasure and meaning can be found by valuing people more than things.

Another caveat of the story is the premise that by doing things for others to make them happy, we improve our emotional outcome. By giving to others, we give to ourselves, allowing the beauty of life to return, full circle.

In the World Happiness Report, the magnitude of social support experienced was listed as a key indicator to happiness. A Harvard Study looked at the correlation between happiness and the healthiness of our relationships. “The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.”

Tips to help with your relationship cultivation:

Be authentic: Authenticity is about being true to yourself and behaving as the ‘true you’ in any and all circumstance. When you can be yourself and love who you are, you will draw in others that align with who you are, those who can bring depth to your presence and a coalition to your dreams and activities. When you engage in those dreams and activities with likeminded souls, joy enfolds.

Act with integrity: Integrity is a bit like ISO 9000 requirements, which involves saying what you’re going to do, then doing what you say. Integrity involves telling the truth, even when it’s ugly, and doing the right thing, even when it’s hard. When someone lacks integrity, they appear dishonest and untrustworthy. Aim to live in accordance to your deepest values, to be honest with everyone, and to always keep your word.

Be reliable: Be that person that can be counted on when the need arises, to consistently show up for others. If you behave in an unreliable manner, you basically make yourself disposable. Reliability creates stability in a relationship, it creates a structure that enhances trust and endurance. When your friends know that they can rely on you, you provide them calm assurance and a window into your other endearing traits.

Practice healthy communication: How we communicate with others can provide a framework for safe and healthy perspectives. Conversing in a healthy manner leads to clarity and greater empathy of each person’s feelings. Your non-verbal communication, or body language, can provide even more insight into how you’re feeling, perhaps more than words ever could. Be open and honest about your feelings and if things do escalate, always fight fair.

Be available: Being both physically and emotionally available is key to relationship longevity. Be willing to set aside time to spend with that special person and when you are with them, also be emotionally present. Be open with your thoughts and feelings and take time to listen to their questions, comments, and words of wisdom. Engage in meaningful activities while allowing creativity and adventure to flow.

Be willing to say you’re sorry and to forgive. We cannot and should not operate on an island. We were meant to interact with others, which can sometimes lead to conflict. Seek a mutual resolution when possible. If you are at fault, claim it. If they are at fault, forgive them. Seek to understand first, do not make assumptions, and give them the benefit of the doubt. When we make unhealthy assumptions, we create potential unnecessary angst and turbulence. Since we have not walked in the footsteps of others, judgment should be withheld.

Now I’d like to warn you of a pitfall with regards to the cultivation of relationships, and that is the expectation that someone else needs to make you happy. Yes, it’s true that meaningful relationships improve feelings of wellness, however, ultimately, happiness is an inside job. Depending on someone else to make you happy is giving up your power. If you give them the power to make you happy, you also give them the power to make you unhappy. You, and only you, are responsible for your joy. Don’t require someone else to fulfill that requirement. The reverse can also be emphasized. Don’t hold yourself responsible for someone else’s happiness. This mentality can keep you involved in a harmful relationship, simply because you do not want to disturb or disappoint the other. A healthy relationship does not put the burden of feeling happy on someone else. You do you first, making sure that your relationship with you is your first and foremost priority.

Relationships of all sorts, including those with pets, are a wonderful opportunity to experience great joy. We can laugh alone, but it doesn’t stir the soul like a hearty laughter with friends. Relationships provide love, safety, a sense of security, and that feel good hormone oxytocin. We can meander the storms alone, or dance in the rain with those we love. If you are feeling especially lonely, take the horse by the reins. Someone else may be feeling the same. There are various ways to seek out friendships. The internet provides great opportunities to join with other groups. There are Facebook groups, Meetup groups, and even Nextdoor groups. There are book clubs, sporting events, and churches. Consider a class in something you would love to learn. Set an intention to not only cherish the relationships you currently have, but to expand your territory into new ones.

“You will know a good friend when you are intoxicated with each other’s company because everything becomes good in the world.” ~Donald Pillai

You Matter

Sometimes a simple text, phone call, or email to check on someone makes a big difference. People need to know they matter. Life gets busy and most understand that but when you take a moment to Live it! By brightening someone’s day, the world gets a little brighter.

Who can you reach out to today to put a smile on their face and let them know they matter in this world?

Never underestimate the power of kindness for where there is great Love there are Miracles.

Live it!

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Leave Your Imprint On This World

Each day brings an opportunity to impact the lives around you in a positive way. People will not remember what position you held, what clothes you wore, what car you drove, or the house you lived in but they will remember how you made them feel. You can leave an amazing imprint in this world by being kind, considerate, and loving.

The people in your life and inner circle right now are not a coincidence. You are meant to have a positive impact on the lives around you.

Live it!

Light Up the World!

We have all witnessed when someone walks into the room and the whole room LIGHTS UP! They bring so much joy, light, kindness, and positivity! It is like a breath of fresh air!

Be that person!

You have a choice to bring goodness and positivity into this world or darkness and negativity. When you choose to bring goodness, you are the one walking into the room changing the atmosphere. Never underestimate the impact you have on others each day. Your smile and kind words can change everything. Live it!

Join us in bringing much-needed Love to the world.

Volunteer.

There are volunteer opportunities all around you. 💖 You can make a difference.😇

Some are in a position to make financial donations and others are not. It is not about the money. It is about the impact on a human life. 

Volunteer. 

If you have not volunteered before, it will be one of the most rewarding things you have done. If you are afraid, do it afraid. Face your fears and selflessly step forward to share the Love in your heart. If you have volunteered but it has been a while, we encourage you to volunteer. Someone needs your smile, hug, and helping hand. Live it!

Be The Change This World Needs

You can make a difference in making this world a better place. Many people don’t even try because it seems so overwhelming. But imagine if each person acted in kindness, extended a helping hand and cared for others. What a wonderful world it would be!

A couple of fun kindness health facts from Dartmouth.edu:

“Kindness is contagious! The positive effects of kindness are experienced in the brain of everyone who witnessed the act, improving their mood and making them significantly more likely to “pay it forward.” This means one good deed in a crowded area can create a domino effect and improve the day of dozens of people!”

And!

Did you know that “Witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin, occasionally referred to as the ‘love hormone’ which aids in lowering blood pressure and improving your overall heart-health. Oxytocin also increases our self-esteem and optimism, which is extra helpful when we’re in anxious or shy in a social situation.”

So never underestimate the difference a single act of kindness can make to the one you are helping and those who witnessed your act of kindness. You can change the world one heart at a time. 

Be the Change.

Do Something Nice for Someone Today

Do you know that you can start an amazing ripple of kindness today? One small act of caring for another can flow through heart after heart and reach the ends of the earth. Pause and think about that for a moment. Your hand reaching out to help another, your smile to light up a room and your kind words to lift someone up can change this world through a ripple of Love and kindness. Never underestimate how what seems like such a small gesture can make a significant impact in someone’s life.

Be kind.

Love one another.

Let’s restore hope in humanity. There are so many amazing HEARTS on this planet who are kind and full of LOVE. Together, we can change this world one heart at a time.

Choose Joy

There once was a man who decided to take a sabbatical to a remote monastery. It was in a beautiful location, perched on a mountaintop, near the Alps. One fine day when the weather was pleasantly warm, he ventured out alone. Upon finding the perfect, scenic location, he laid down a blanket, settled in, and began his daily meditation. After a bit of time, he opened his eyes to see that a monk was traveling nearby on foot. In a gesture of good will, the monk wandered over to say hello. The monk was curious about the guest. Taking a seat beside him, they began to discuss their travels and what had brought each of them to this particular destination.  Then, after a few moments of silence, the monk, searching for more answers, asked the question, “Tell me, what is it that you wish for?”

Taking in a deep breath, the man surveyed his surroundings, contemplating an answer. The monk, patient as he was, asked again, “What is it that your heart longs for?” After a brief pause, the man provided the monk with a list of things that he thought, once achieved, would make him happy. He voiced each one with articulation and emotion. He felt in his heart that if he could just get all of the things on the list and be successful financially, then he would find joy. The list included material things, the repair of a tattered relationship, and a new job. The monk could see how the man was looking for things or people outside of himself to make him happy, not realizing that happiness is ultimately an inside job; it starts within. So after listening  intently, with a bit of pause, the monk asked one additional simple, yet nagging question: “What if you choose joy first?”

In my younger days, I can recall thinking that happiness was somewhere in the distance, somewhere in my future. I thought that someday, something would happen, and happiness would be achieved. Author Gregg Braden calls this type of thinking preoccupation destination addiction. This thought process assumes two things:

  1. That certain events must take place for happiness to be achieved
  2. That the current moment holds no significance

These assumptions couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, all that matters is now. Do your thoughts partake in time travel? How much time do you spend with thoughts devoted to the past or future?  

Doctors have pondered the connection between our mental and physical health for centuries. Emotions and Health, NIH Medline Plus said in 2008, “Until the 1800s, most believed that emotions were linked to disease and advised patients to visit spas or seaside resorts when they were ill. Gradually emotions lost favor as other causes of illness, such as bacteria or toxins emerged, and new treatments such as antibiotics cured illness after illness.”

What are the implications of mental health on our physical health?

According to Dr. Fabrizio Mancini, “optimists live longer.” He says, “fortunately, many people are asking: Is there a better way to stay healthy? Is there a better way to get healthy? Isn’t there something better out there? The answers are yes, yes, and yes. Once this concept sinks in, you’ll want to make self-healing a continuing operating principle in your life. There are many simple lifestyle options that can help your body self-heal. For example, exercise is self-healing and even a 10-minute walk can make a positive impact on mental and physical health.”

You might consider the following linear process of thinking: Our thinking affects our emotions, our emotions affect many aspects of our life, including our physical and mental health. Your body responds to the way you think, feel, and act. In fact, your body reacts the same to an event as it does to a thought that mimics the event. This is often called the mind-body connection. When you are stressed, anxious, or upset, your body tries to tell you that something isn’t right. For example, high blood pressure or a stomach ache might develop after a particular stressful event. Therefore, if we can keep our thinking in check and in a healthy state, we can experience enormous positive ramifications. In fact, the following physical symptoms may indicate that your emotional health is out of balance:

  • Unexplained fatigue
  • Depression, hopelessness
  • Headaches
  • Changes in blood pressure
  • Trouble fall or staying asleep
  • Stomach issues
  • Changes in heart rate
  • Sexual issues
  • Stiff neck, sore back
  • Excessive sweating
  • Changes in weight

Therefore, addressing our thoughts is our pathway to peace. Joy is possible no matter life’s outward appearance. Your perspective is the key. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% your response to it. What does Joy look like for you? As you follow along with these blogs, we will address thought patterns and how they affect our capacity to feel joy. We will address the key differences between happiness and joy, and we will provide strategies to not only get you to that feeling of pure joy, but to keep you there, no matter the circumstances happening around you. That is where we find the golden nuggets, that pot of gold under the rainbow. Yet, unfortunately, many people aren’t even looking for the rainbow.

We need not bow down to the negative conditions of the world nor give them our energy; we can rise above these things. There is much good to be found in the storms of life, and as you learn to dance in the rain, every step gets you closer and closer to who you really are, which is joy. To quote Ask and it is Given, “The basis of life is freedom, the result of life is expansion, but the purpose of life is joy.”

Stay tuned and travel with me as we discover what life is really meant to be. Open your heart to your true purpose, to choose joy!

Let us give Thanks

We are coming upon the time of Thanksgiving when we gather with those we love to feast on turkey and other traditional foods which include stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. Although John Adams and James Madison designated days of thanks during their presidencies, it was Abe Lincoln who proclaimed it a national holiday. For 36 years, a noted magazine editor, Sarah, Josepha Hale, published a number of editorials and sent scores of letters to governors, senators, presidents and other politicians launching a campaign to establish Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abe finally heeded her request in 1863 at the height of the Civil War.

About half the pilgrims survived the first winter in Plymouth. What a risk they took in the yearning for prosperity and land ownership in the “New World.” After spending much of that first winter on the ship suffering exposure, scurvy, and outbreaks of contagious disease, they managed to befriend native American tribes who taught them how to cultivate corn, avoid poisonous plants, and extract sap from the maple trees.

With gratitude they celebrated a three-day feast. Pilgrim chronicler Edward Winslow wrote:

“Our harvest being gotten in, our governor sent four men on fowling, that so we might after a special manner rejoice together, after we had gathered the fruits of our labors; they four in one day killed as much fowl, as with a little help beside, served the Company almost a week, at which time amongst other Recreations, we exercised our Arms, many of the Indians coming amongst us, and amongst the rest their greatest king Massasoit, with some ninety men, whom for three days we entertained and feasted, and they went out and killed five Deer, which they brought to the Plantation and bestowed on our Governor, and upon the Captain and others. And although it be not always so plentiful, as it was at this time with us, yet by the goodness of God, we are so far from want, that we often wish you partakers of our plenty.”

The origins of thanksgiving may preempt the Pilgrim’s feast of 1621. Ancient history depicts annual celebrations spanning cultures, continents, and millennia. The Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans all feasted and paid tribute to their gods after the fall harvest. In 1565, the Spanish explorer Pedro Menéndez de Avilé invited members of the local Timucua tribe to a dinner in St. Augustine Florida, after holding a mass to thank God for his crew’s safe arrival.

In current times we celebrate with parades and marching bands, and we pardon one or two turkeys from slaughter, sending them off to a farm for retirement. And as you celebrate with family this year, let us not forget the original intention of thanksgiving, to thank God for not just the autumn harvest, but for his divine providence. In the words of Zig Ziglar, “Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have ever more to express gratitude for.”

https://www.history.com/topics/thanksgiving/history-of-thanksgiving

Message to (my Younger) Self

Life holds many mysteries. As a child, we want time and space to hurry along so that we might be allowed the freedom to make our own choices and forge our own path. Yet, as we complete the apex of our mid-life, we proclaim that it is moving too fast. As we approach the finish line, we start to evaluate the choices we’ve made and the journeys not taken. We search for meaning and purpose in our lives. We seek to understand who we are and why we are here.

At midlife, we are not the same person we were in our 20s. Our character has been refined by the circumstances of our life, some chosen, some chosen for us. Free will is always available providing the opportunity to make meaningful choices or damaging ones, with the likelihood that we alternate between the two.  As I contemplate the many choices I’ve made in this lifetime, I seek to learn and understand their origins, while forgiving myself when I went astray. From this current vantage point, if I could speak to my 20-year-old self, I would share the following 8 caveats:

Don’t make assumptions: When you make assumptions, you are believing that something that has not happened yet, is inevitable. When in fact, 100% of your assumptions could be false. The real damage occurs when you change your behavior based on a false assumption. It can bring about immense, unnecessary hurt to those that you care about.

Love the body you have been given: Genetics plays a large role regarding our physical features and the weight we carry. We should always seek to lead a healthy lifestyle, but do not compare yourself to others. Their challenges may be different than your own. Accept and nurture yourself and always make time for self-care.

Kindness Matters: Just as dictated in the Disney animation Lion King, there is a circle to life. What you choose to put out into the world, will circle back to you. Choose wisely, yet do not mistake this for being a people pleaser. A people pleaser acts from a place of fear due to a lack of self-love. Make kindness a priority in your life. Bless others as you wish to be blessed.

Choose your friends carefully and distance yourself from those that do not honor you: Friends will enter and exit your life story at different stages and don’t be afraid to show them the door if they show disrespect. You are uniquely special and deserving of great love and abundance. To draw in those that honor and respect you, seek to be, in character, the person you wish to be with. And don’t seek to rescue or change someone else. Let them be them and you be you. Just know when to walk away.

Evaluate negative emotions for root cause: Aristotle once said, “knowing yourself is the key to all wisdom.” We learn a great deal from our parents, including coping skills. When we experience a negative emotion with repetition, such as frustration or disappointment, it may signal a need for healing. it may be helpful to investigate it for a root cause from the past. Did it originate with a childhood experience? Are we simply regurgitating what we’ve learned, even though damaging?

Do not fear the tests: Of one thing you can be sure, as you forge through life experiencing all it has to offer, you will be tested. The size of the test can change, but there is opportunity for growth and learning with each and every one. As you conquer more and more challenges, you will grow in confidence and character. Do not fear that which will make you stronger.

When someone treats you unfairly, do these 2 things: The feeling that someone has betrayed you can be one of the hardest to endure. The first step is to confront them with love. Clear the air. If you do not do this, you risk wallowing in bitterness all the days of your life. It also gives them the opportunity to provide their insight. As much as we value our own personal perceptions, sometimes they are wrong. No matter the outcome of the first step, the second step is that of forgiveness. We all come from different backgrounds and people usually do what they do based upon past experience. The event may actually have nothing to do with you. Forgiveness doesn’t absolve them, it releases you.

Love people more that things: When we leave this journey and take the last breath of this lifetime, we will take nothing with us. No material things that is. What we do take with us are experiences with those we love. Relationships have great potential for cultivating joy, acceptance and love. Those memories and those feelings should be cherished, for it is those jewels that will cross the veil. Love and respect all persons, for we all come from the same source from which we all return.

There is much more yet to learn in this lifetime I am certain. This list will grow longer. There will be more challenges and more tests, but there can be joy in all things. As we learn and grow from each experience, we cultivate a better life for ourselves and those around us.

Are there reasons that our 20-year-old self stumbled about a bit? Certainly there are. If she were to read this list, perhaps she would understand it to represent the journey set before her. As we seek to become a better person tomorrow than we were yesterday, perhaps this list of caveats could be entitled, my life’s lessons to learn, or maybe even, “my life’s purpose.”