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The Language of Love

Have you ever given someone a gift, never to see them wear it, hang it on the wall, or utilize it in any way?  After my sister was married, I sent off one of her engagement photos and had it replicated to a painting. From the moment I presented it to her and her husband, I never saw it again. I don’t know what she did with it, but it would seem that she never hung it anywhere.

A powerful way to connect with those we love is through the knowledge and use of known love languages. Whether it be a partner, significant other, spouse, or friend, we can meet each other’s emotional need to feel loved by understanding their primary love language. This alone provides a priceless advantage. You may also find it very helpful to evaluate and acknowledge your own key love language(s).

According to author Gary Chapman, the author of “The 5 Love Language,” there are five expressions of love and the one that makes you feel most loved may be different than someone else’s. For example, I have a friend whose primary love language is indeed gifts. To give her a gift, provides her with a profound feeling of being loved. For myself, gifts do not provide me with that feeling. When someone provides to me an act of service, it could be anything, I feel truly loved. Here is a more comprehensive list of Gary’s 5 love languages:

Words of Affirmation

This would be the use of verbal compliments or words of appreciation. For example, “I love how you helped me clean up the kitchen after dinner.” We may often think these thoughts, but to those who feel deeply loved by affirmation, it can be meaningful and imperative to express it.

Quality Time

This is about giving someone your undivided attention and being attentive to them. Intimacy doesn’t just happen in the bedroom. It’s about spending time alone together in an atmosphere of communication, focused attention, eye contact, and respect. Spending daily time in healthy communication should be considered a minimum daily requirement. If quality time is primary to you or your partner, plan quality activities of mutual interest.

Acts of Service

By physically serving another, doing the things that you know they would like you to do, you can provide a profound expression of love to them. If you know this to be your partner’s primary love language, seek to do what you can to reduce their load. Make a list if it helps. Acts of service should not feel forced, but should be done out of love. Requests give direction to love, however, demands can stop the flow of love. Examples include cleaning, cooking, making beds, fixing things, and running errands.

Receiving Gifts

The long history of the giving of gifts is a cultural pattern which has intrigued anthropologists. Gifts are a visual symbol of love and a part of many modern day rituals. These gifts can be purchased, found, or made. If this is your partner’s primary love language, you may have to change your attitude toward spending money, but creativity can go a long way.

Physical Touch

There is great power in physical touch. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one another. Physical touch is not limited to one localized area of the body, but some areas will be more sensitive than others. Light touches of love require little time, but much thought. If a primary need, expression through touch is only limited by the imagination.

Having a different primary love language than your partner may feel awkward at first to feed, but without knowledge you will continue to stumble. I would encourage, if you have not done so, that you and your partner do a questionnaire to understand what makes you each feel truly loved. Just web search the love languages quiz.

I sincerely believe that understanding your partner more fully can only enhance your relationship. What you learn can also be transferred to other relationships, including friendships. Providing someone with the feeling of being loved is a gift of ultimate value.

People who love each other fully and truly are the happiest people in the world. They may have little, they may have nothing, but they are happy people. Everything depends on how we love one another.

~ Mother Teresa

Regerence: Chapman, Gary (2010). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (3rd Edition). Northfield Publishing.

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Gathering together

It would seem that we are wired to gather together with others. According to Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering, we are living in a period of time when coming together is more important than ever. Let’s explore why and when we gather.

Prehistoric hunter-gatherers often lived in groups of a few dozen people, consisting of several family units. There was diversity in an organized living space, allowing for the sharing of workload with a probable social network structure. With the prospect of various group configurations, there was an allowance to share, for example, large amounts of meat, when acquired, with other groups of neighboring communities. This provided sustenance, but also minimized waste. The concept of gathering also lays a foundation for language. Not needed when alone, the use of language allows for discussion regarding various important topics like hunting or child rearing strategies.

Communal living is still practiced today. It provides the opportunity to live in your own private space yet be part of a family. It may be practiced for financial reasons, for the social benefits, or to co-habitat with those of similar beliefs. Coexisting with others can be a treasure whereby fundamental needs are met, with a feeling of comfort and belonging.

In what ways do we, can we, gather together?

Conferences: As is said, iron sharpens iron. When we come together with a shared purpose to learn and grow, by sharpening each other’s blade, we become more effective tools. We can learn new skills from others while sharing our own.

Weddings: We can have a deeper sense of significance with key milestone moments when we gather in a symbolic ritual. There is some accountability when a couple makes promises to one another in the presence of witnesses. The ceremony represents the coming together of two families to support and hold the couple accountable for those promises to one another. It is a celebration of their bonded life together.

Funerals: This type of gathering provides a path for the processing of grief. Mourners have an opportunity to process the reality of what has happened. They can share memories of their loved one, while saying goodbye to that physical presence in their life. Sharing these aspects with others who may feel similarly, can be cathartic and healing. We can find comfort in this group setting.

Worship: Genesis 2:18 states God’s intent that we not be alone. As we engage in worship, we can encourage and be an inspiration to others. Non-believers can be influenced by love and good works. Mathew 18:20 says that where two or three are gathered in Jesus’ name, he will be with them. This supports the idea of a community of believers, not necessarily a building or institution.

Meals: It is a cultural custom to gather together around food. There seems significance in the breaking of bread together. Eating can be the most satisfying and joyful time of day. Why not share it with others? Not only does eating together create meaningful time, but studies show that not eating together has quantifiably negative effects on both physical and psychological well-being.

That are many ways to gather with others, both physically and virtually. Although we tend to gather with those that support us and our belief system, never underestimate the power of divine appointments. If you find yourself in an uncomfortable group setting, try to see the big picture. What good might come of it?

If you are feeling lonely, seek out groups and/or activities to provide the opportunity to gather with others. Share your light. Being willing and able to commune with others can provide perspective, cultivate inspiration, ease your burdens, and bring great joy.

References:

https://www.worldhistory.org/article/991/prehistoric-hunter-gatherer-societies

What is Communal Living?
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Graceful Tolerance

We’re living in a time of intense polarization among our fellow Americans. There are those that have such a passion for their beliefs, they do not allow others to express anything that may challenge it. In an effort to disqualify opposing views, they may attack or explode with toxic, abusive, and/or destructive behavior. This polarization is not just destroying relationships; it’s destroying our country.

With regard to politics, polarization has increased rapidly over the last 40 years. Meaning, citizens feel more negativity toward the other political party than their own. When people from differing political camps cease to respect each other, it’s much harder to make political compromises and to create good public policy.

In recent years, it seems that the divide reaches far beyond political opinions. Some people may be easily offended by others, with an insecure and unhealthy bias that is based on their own belief system.  With easy access to the internet and groups of various affiliation, it is quite easy to surround yourself with like minds, whether right or wrong.

Yet tolerance is the amazing quality of allowing others to do or believe what they want to do/believe, even if you do not agree with it. It is fair and objective. It does not judge nor condemn. Being tolerant of others is a moral virtue and a behavior we should all seek to characterize. Even further is acceptance, embracing and celebrating the differences of others.

When we tolerate the actions and beliefs of others, we are giving them grace, and giving grace to others is God’s will for us. With unconditional acceptance, we open the door to more wisdom, more peace, and more love. With grace, we provide the opportunity to learn from those with opposing views. And although we may believe that our way is the right way, given our humanistic capacity, we often fall short. We may seek to influence others with our own beliefs and maybe even change their minds, however, we need not fix our countenance on making it so.

Expressing tolerance for others can be beneficial for all involved. According to Psychology Today, showing tolerance to others allows them to learn from their consequences in their own time and find their way without trying to control them.

Ways to help you to tolerate others:

  1. Seek to understand their position
  2. Empathize with their beliefs
  3. Place emphasis on your similarities and ignore the differences
  4. Accept that uncertainty is ok
  5. Review your own beliefs, where they were derived, and whether valid

When you feel challenged with tolerance, check yourself first. Evaluate your thoughts and make sure that you are reacting from a healthy place. When your state of mind is disturbed by another, your ego may want to retaliate. Do not let it. Show patience with others by understanding that you yourself have likely, at some point, disturbed the peace of another. Whatever your surroundings may provide, you can always choose to grace with tolerance.

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The Blessing in Reconciliation

It is not unusual for people to drift in and out of our lives. They may stay for a season; they may stay for our lifetime; but there’s one thing I know for sure, divine appointments happen for a reason. They can be a blessing or a lesson.

It is also not unusual to find yourself in conflict with someone you care or cared about. We all carry emotional baggage that can trigger us or someone else. There can be misunderstanding, hurt or neglect that causes significant damage. As unfortunate as it may be, it’s possible for a conflict to affect a relationship so badly that it causes a separation. Forgiveness and reconciliation may seem impossible.

Scarlett shared a story about her dad with “Love What Matters.” He was an addict and died of an overdose in 2018. Their relationship had been difficult. Scarlett often found herself angry at him, angry at his comments, angry at his inability to do life, angry at his drunkenness and homelessness. Although she loved him, she frequently found herself embarrassed by him. Now that he is gone though, there is no chance of a healthy reconciliation. She is still angry, but she is angry at herself. She’s mad that she let her inability to forgive him affect the relationship. She says, “give forgiveness, because my regret over withholding it is stronger than all the anger I felt throughout the years. I forgave too late.”

Sometimes in life we have to choose between doing what’s easy and doing what’s right. Mending fences may not seem easy, but it may indeed be the right thing to do. The path to mending these vial connections starts with a foundation of forgiveness and a genuine desire for reconciliation. When we take the time to understand others and what they have been through, it may be possible that nothing is unforgivable.

Obstacles to forgiveness:

Pride – So long as you are hurt, you may feel that you are better than the person who hurt you.

Shame – You will need to come to terms with what happened.

Seeking vengeance – Retaliation is rarely noble and often unnecessary.

Clinging to being a victim – do you feel special status with being a victim?

In reality, to reconcile means to forgive, and to forgive means to let go of resentment and anger. For your part, take a look at your responsibility in the separation, if any. If self-forgiveness is needed, give yourself that gift. Empathy and compassion are great tools. Empathy helps you to understand another and compassion encourages you to take the action needed to reduce suffering.

Don’t wait until it is too late to reconcile a relationship. You can take action now. Release the negative emotions, forgive them, and reach out. Do what you know to be right, and don’t be a Scarlett.

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The Passion in Compassion

In 1995 Christopher Reeve became paralyzed from the neck down following a horse-riding accident.  He landed on his head, suffering a cervical spinal injury after shattering his first and second vertebrae. From that point on, Christopher was dependent on a wheelchair for mobility and a respirator for breathing. His wife Dana is known for her compassionate caregiving and support of her husband, post tragedy.

While compassion and empathy both refer to a caring response to someone’s distress, compassion can lead to action. For example, Dana’s compassion for her husband’s fate invoked a passion to care for him. Compassion creates space to suffer along with others, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate that suffering.

With bible translation, compassion means to have mercy, to feel sympathy and to have pity. In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul directs them to “be kind to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

How can we show compassion for others?

First we must see, acknowledge, and feel the suffering of others. As we seek to make the world a better place, we can be motivated to improve the lives of others, to give what is needed, to show humility and the light of humanity. We can speak kindly and softly, advocate on other’s behalf, and offer resources, while showing empathy to their strife.

We were not created to live on an island. We are meant to live in harmony with others. The gift(s) you give to others can never be taken away. It becomes part of your and their history, withstanding all aspects of time. What does it cost you to be kind? If you find yourself in a place of abundance, look to share it with someone less fortunate. It’s really a win-win. Associate with the difficulties of others, honor and respect where they are, and give what you can, whether it be time, service, or money. You can lift up another, and with that true and honest compassion, lift yourself.

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With Loving Kindness

On his way home one night, a man stopped and bought a sunflower to put on the windshield of someone he was smitten with. After some consideration, he decided that after just the one date, perhaps the gesture was too much.

In the morning, not wanting it to go to waste, he grabbed the flower with the intent to give it to a random person on his way to work. While sitting and drinking his coffee at a local shop, he saw a woman reading something, as tears quietly and quickly slid down her pale face. It was then, he knew, the flower was meant for her. He then approached her table, flower in hand.

The modern term “Loving kindness” was first defined in 1535 as tender and benevolent affection. It is an English translation of Chesed, a term found in the Hebrew Bible. Chesed means ‘kindness or love between people’, specifically of the devotional piety of people towards God as well as of love or mercy of God towards humanity. According to Meriam-Webster, one who is benevolent genuinely wishes other people well, with bene meaning “good,” and velle meaning “to wish.” Other comparable terms to describe an act of loving kindness might be warmhearted, considerate, or sympathetic. Can you recall a time when someone treated you with loving kindness?

With “kindness” being the quality or state of being kind, how is the activity affected by adding the adjective “loving?” Can we be kind without being loving? Can we be loving without being kind? Certainly it is possible to be kind to those we do not love, but should we not love everyone on some level? And to love without being kind, well, that seems impossible.

When a Buddhist monk was invited to speak to a senior class he said this, “Statistically, it’s highly unlikely that any of you will ever have the opportunity to run into a burning orphanage and rescue an infant. But, in the smallest gesture of kindness – a warm smile, holding the door for the person behind you, shoveling the driveway of the elderly person next door – you have committed an act of immeasurable profundity, because to each of us, our life is our universe.

So we might challenge you in the coming week, to seek out those opportunities to be not only kind, but to be kind in a loving, benevolent manner. As Mother Teresa once said, “It’s not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving.” And if we go back to the beginning, our master is our finest teacher at doing good. God, works most freely in an environment of loving-kindness. Therefore, praying for miracles without praying in love is like petitioning in a foreign language. When we pray, we should do so not only with intention, but with love in our heart.

Act of Kindness ideas:

  • Ask someone how you might bless them
  • Cook a meal for someone in need
  • Write a hand-written note to someone, telling them what they mean to you.
  • Leave a thoughtful gift for someone anonymously
  • Pay for items for the person behind you in a queue

In a world where we can be and do anything, why not be kind. We need not do it for accolades or to soothe the ego, but because it is right and a moral responsibility. By acting towards another with genuine loving kindness, we can create a positive shift in not only their world, but ours as well.

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Cultivating Relationships

Once upon a time, there was a group of 50 people attending a seminar. Suddenly the speaker stopped and decided to do a group activity. He gave each attendee one balloon. Each person was asked to write his/her name on it using a marker pen. Then all the balloons were collected and put into another room.

They were then let into that room and asked to find their balloon within 5 minutes. Everyone was frantically searching for their name, colliding with each other, and pushing others around in utter chaos; and at the end of the 5 minutes, no one had found their own balloon. Then, each individual was asked to randomly collect a balloon and give it to the person whose name was written on it. Within minutes everyone had their own balloon.

The speaker then began, “This is happening in our lives. Everyone is frantically looking for happiness all around, not knowing where it is. Our happiness, he said, lies in the happiness of other people. Give them their happiness; you will get your own happiness. And this is the purpose of human life…the pursuit of happiness.”

In this story, we see that any one individual could not complete the task alone; they indeed needed the assistance of another. In our stubbornness, we can be quite adamant in our determination to accomplish life’s challenges on an individual basis. After all, if we go it alone and succeed, we gain all the accolades. However, life requires balance and social interaction is critical for mental and physical wellness. We each are born into a society that provides structure to our lives as it helps us to navigate the world and shape our personal identities. In that societal environment, we can find strength from collaboration in the face of adversity. And in that respect, perhaps pleasure and meaning can be found by valuing people more than things.

Another caveat of the story is the premise that by doing things for others to make them happy, we improve our emotional outcome. By giving to others, we give to ourselves, allowing the beauty of life to return, full circle.

In the World Happiness Report, the magnitude of social support experienced was listed as a key indicator to happiness. A Harvard Study looked at the correlation between happiness and the healthiness of our relationships. “The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.”

Tips to help with your relationship cultivation:

Be authentic: Authenticity is about being true to yourself and behaving as the ‘true you’ in any and all circumstance. When you can be yourself and love who you are, you will draw in others that align with who you are, those who can bring depth to your presence and a coalition to your dreams and activities. When you engage in those dreams and activities with likeminded souls, joy enfolds.

Act with integrity: Integrity is a bit like ISO 9000 requirements, which involves saying what you’re going to do, then doing what you say. Integrity involves telling the truth, even when it’s ugly, and doing the right thing, even when it’s hard. When someone lacks integrity, they appear dishonest and untrustworthy. Aim to live in accordance to your deepest values, to be honest with everyone, and to always keep your word.

Be reliable: Be that person that can be counted on when the need arises, to consistently show up for others. If you behave in an unreliable manner, you basically make yourself disposable. Reliability creates stability in a relationship, it creates a structure that enhances trust and endurance. When your friends know that they can rely on you, you provide them calm assurance and a window into your other endearing traits.

Practice healthy communication: How we communicate with others can provide a framework for safe and healthy perspectives. Conversing in a healthy manner leads to clarity and greater empathy of each person’s feelings. Your non-verbal communication, or body language, can provide even more insight into how you’re feeling, perhaps more than words ever could. Be open and honest about your feelings and if things do escalate, always fight fair.

Be available: Being both physically and emotionally available is key to relationship longevity. Be willing to set aside time to spend with that special person and when you are with them, also be emotionally present. Be open with your thoughts and feelings and take time to listen to their questions, comments, and words of wisdom. Engage in meaningful activities while allowing creativity and adventure to flow.

Be willing to say you’re sorry and to forgive. We cannot and should not operate on an island. We were meant to interact with others, which can sometimes lead to conflict. Seek a mutual resolution when possible. If you are at fault, claim it. If they are at fault, forgive them. Seek to understand first, do not make assumptions, and give them the benefit of the doubt. When we make unhealthy assumptions, we create potential unnecessary angst and turbulence. Since we have not walked in the footsteps of others, judgment should be withheld.

Now I’d like to warn you of a pitfall with regards to the cultivation of relationships, and that is the expectation that someone else needs to make you happy. Yes, it’s true that meaningful relationships improve feelings of wellness, however, ultimately, happiness is an inside job. Depending on someone else to make you happy is giving up your power. If you give them the power to make you happy, you also give them the power to make you unhappy. You, and only you, are responsible for your joy. Don’t require someone else to fulfill that requirement. The reverse can also be emphasized. Don’t hold yourself responsible for someone else’s happiness. This mentality can keep you involved in a harmful relationship, simply because you do not want to disturb or disappoint the other. A healthy relationship does not put the burden of feeling happy on someone else. You do you first, making sure that your relationship with you is your first and foremost priority.

Relationships of all sorts, including those with pets, are a wonderful opportunity to experience great joy. We can laugh alone, but it doesn’t stir the soul like a hearty laughter with friends. Relationships provide love, safety, a sense of security, and that feel good hormone oxytocin. We can meander the storms alone, or dance in the rain with those we love. If you are feeling especially lonely, take the horse by the reins. Someone else may be feeling the same. There are various ways to seek out friendships. The internet provides great opportunities to join with other groups. There are Facebook groups, Meetup groups, and even Nextdoor groups. There are book clubs, sporting events, and churches. Consider a class in something you would love to learn. Set an intention to not only cherish the relationships you currently have, but to expand your territory into new ones.

“You will know a good friend when you are intoxicated with each other’s company because everything becomes good in the world.” ~Donald Pillai

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Spirit of Thanksgiving

As Thanksgiving Day approaches here in the US, it’s a time to give thanks to the people, circumstances, and gifts in our lives. As a fun way to illicit that spirit of thanksgiving in others, we can provide a gift to someone or to a community in need. May the following testimony open your heart and warm your soul.

“To the man in line behind me at the Gainesville Target, who saw that after hitting my grocery budget limit, I decided to put back my pumpkin spice candle and the cosmetics that I had picked out…

You didn’t know that I always save my stuff for last and usually end up putting it back.

You didn’t know that the two fussy kids that I had with me were only two out of four.

You didn’t know that I have postpartum depression from the youngest babe and that I use scent as a way to boost my mood.

You didn’t know that this week has been full of sick kids, parent-teacher conferences, and emergency dental visits and I was so looking forward to lighting that candle at nap time and just taking a minute to relax.

Even without knowing that, you saw me…  You saw me as a human, not just the mom in front of you that was distracted and going too slow. You heard me say that I’d like to put those items back and you said no, you would be getting them for me.”

This commentary, courtesy of “Love What Matters,” speaks to the challenges faced by those around us. It could be a person you failed to see because you were caught up in your own world, your own thoughts, your own purpose. We all struggle at times, but just remember, there is always someone struggling more. Always be kind, you never know what someone is going through. Take a moment when you are about your errands, to be situationally aware. Look for those opportunities to bless others. The returns are 10 fold, and in doing so, you also bless yourself.

In a bigger picture, the In the Spirit of Love Foundation is a nonprofit 501(c)3 organization founded to help those in need. Each person is naturally born with a Spirit of Love. The foundations mission is to encourage each heart to live that Love. We are always looking to expand our reach thru hearts across the world who want to make a difference. Where there is great love, there is always miracles.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/ChIRsmhpNjc/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

The hungry children of Uganda, are but a fraction of those in need. Everyone is made to LOVE and be LOVED – Make a decision to LOVE others unconditionally. Don’t LOVE based on how someone treats you or how they look, simply just LOVE period! Challenge yourself to LOVE others because it is in your heart … it is who you are! When you let LOVE lead, you will be amazed at just how many miracles come through your acts of kindness. We thank you for your generosity and look forward to continuing with our mission through the tax deductible goodness of others.

You may go here to donate to the cause of love, with an option to designate the proceeds as you please.

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You Matter

Sometimes a simple text, phone call, or email to check on someone makes a big difference. People need to know they matter. Life gets busy and most understand that but when you take a moment to Live it! By brightening someone’s day, the world gets a little brighter.

Who can you reach out to today to put a smile on their face and let them know they matter in this world?

Never underestimate the power of kindness for where there is great Love there are Miracles.

Live it!

❤️ Subscribe to our email list and follow us on Instagram @inthespiritoflove_ for Inspiration to live Love and kindness on this earth.✨❤️

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Leave Your Imprint On This World

Each day brings an opportunity to impact the lives around you in a positive way. People will not remember what position you held, what clothes you wore, what car you drove, or the house you lived in but they will remember how you made them feel. You can leave an amazing imprint in this world by being kind, considerate, and loving.

The people in your life and inner circle right now are not a coincidence. You are meant to have a positive impact on the lives around you.

Live it!